27 Aug

Not Star Wars episode IV, yet still a new hope

Aw man, if I hadn’t been distracted I could have posted this exactly two years after I made the first post here. Missed it by thiiiiiis much. Ah well. Here’s to another two incredibly exciting years of blogging. 😜👍

I’m no longer seeing the psychologist – who I wrongly labeled psychiatrist (fixed that) – and I havent for quite a while. I didn’t really like him. In his defence, I generally don’t like people.

I don’t remember the last thing we spoke about. Don’t know what was said. I don’t know if I said I wanted to quit going – or him asking me if I wanted to – or what, but I ended up never going back. Looking through my email conversations with the guy it appear as if I canceled an appointment and never rescheduled. I don’t really remember.

I guess it’s worth mentioning that I hate being scrutinized. I hate to “spill my beans”, about my life, about everything. I hate how boring I am, and how boring I must sound to people when I try to explain my boring life to them.

Anywho, a while later – with the help of Marie – I saw a occupational therapist that had me trying a bunch of things to get me going. (Remember, the reason I’m “in this mess” is because I have a hard time kicking things off. I have a million ideas, and maybe three is seen through to the end; the rest of them are lucky if I ever even start working on them.

There was an app I tried that only managed to piss me off. It really didn’t help at all. (It had me tap-tap-tap-ing three times more than what, like, using the regular calendar on my phone would’ve. It was idiotic).

Eventually she ran out of ideas and told me as much. There wasn’t much she could do to help me, and sent us on our merry way.

Well, crap.

<montage> Stuff happening that I’ve forgotten about </montage>

Some time later we decided to look into how – or if – I could get a proper diagnose, because things weren’t improving. Spoke with a nurse and filled out a form. They told us it might take a little while before we hear anything, because they’re short on doctors.

I believe this was in spring, March perhaps? It might even have been before Christmas. It was chilly, but no snow. I don’t remember. My memory is out the window. I think I blame technology.

Anyway, time passed. Felt like forever. I was starting to think they might have forgotten about me, or misplaced the form. But being me, I figured I’d wait for summer vacations to end before calling them to check. Don’t want to be too hasty, now..

Lucky me I didn’t have to wait much longer, because one day I got a letter.

Apparently they hadn’t forgotten. Turns out I have a doctor’s apointment in October. Obviously no idea what she’ll say, but I’m hoping they’ll go through with the diagnosing. It’d be a relief for both Marie and I.

Of course I understand that even if they decide to go ahead, a diagnose is not guaranteed. I know that. But it gives me new hope.

I’ll see you around!

ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

13 Aug

House, not M.D.

The apartment was getting a little cramped (partially because it was a 2-room apartment, partially because of too much stuff!) and Agnes is needing more and more space these days, meaning we had to go looking for a new place to call home.

We went viewing a few houses but none of them felt right. As it turned out though, we didn’t have to look too far from “home”.

We “swapped places” with Maries dad, with us moving into the house, him moving into an apartment not far from where we used to live. It’s a roughly 10 minute drive either way, which is nice and close.

There are a lot of pros and cons to this of course. The house has lots of space for Agnes to play around and practice walking (she still count on us or furniture for support but she’s on her own any day now!) but father-in-law’s apartment isn’t very big, meaning he’s left some of his stuff in the house, leaving us with even more stuff.. Going through his stuff, on top of ours, is a bit of a project. Slow and steady, though, we’re getting there. I think.

The house needs a little bit of work here and there but is otherwise very cozy. To quote one of my favourite Disney movies;

So he’s a bit of a fixer upper, but this we’re certain of
You can fix this fixer upper with a little bit of love..

Frozen, 2013

(That’s actually from the worst song in the movie, but I suppose it’s fitting, just this once).

There’ll be more updates regarding the house “some time soon”. I’m keeping it short in the hopes that I’ll be able to finish writing something because these things take forever, for whatever reason. (Thought-to-text doesn’t work so well for me, but that’s for another story).

Also, reading back through the very first entry I mention our cats, and games; neither which have been properly addressed since. I’d like to try and rectify that, in the future, as well.

Until then, I’ll see you around!

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17 Jun

Player 3 has joined the game

“I guess at the speed I’m updating, the next time I’m writing will be after the baby is born.”

-Me, more than a year ago


This won’t be super-long, but I wanted to finally introduce our raptor – Agnes. She was born the 18th of June, 2016 – which, if you do the math, means she’s turning one tomorrow! (Jebus, yeah, this has taken me a while)..

It took me a few days (go figure), but I posted the following image to twitter:

As calm as that may sound, it was a turbulent start for Agnes. A hasty caesarean (grade 2, turned grade 1) gave us quite a scare. Her values were dropping and she had to come out, fast. Marie was anesthetized and I was thrown out of the room.

I felt awful. Hopeful. Scared and so alone. One moment I was a wreck. The next, a dad. I think that is the strangest feeling in the world. Also the most wonderful. But the fact that it was I who got to meet Agnes first, and not Marie, will always make me sad. It’s so incredibly unfair considering everything she had to go through for us to get here.

As it turned out, the reason for the bad values was that Agnes had a sinus node dysfunction (which has since matured and corrected itself), meaning we had to spend a few days in the neonatal nursery for observation before we were released and could return home with our little raptor. My memory of the events are still a bit cloudy from the shock, but the medical staff were brilliant, taking good care of us.

I never knew it was possible to love someone this much. With every day, week or month passing, I find myself ever more astonished how lucky we were to get such a wonderful girl. Every day is an adventure, for good or for bad. I won’t lie; some days I am convinced she actually has the mind of a raptor..

She has the most beautiful smile. No matter how bad a mood I’m in, she can melt my heart to a mushy puddle. I think she gets that from Marie. And Marie keeps saying Agnes has me wrapped around her finger. I think she’s right. I’m in trouble with these two..

Watching her grow has been an amazing journey. Watching her slowly start to move around, to quickly moving around – when she’s moving towards something she know she’s not allowed near, and I’m on my way to grab hold of her; with a delighted cry she’ll try and crawl 300% faster. She’s just adorable. Recently, Agnes has started standing up. I don’t think it will be long before I have to run to chase her..

Anyways. There’s a little something. I’ll try my very best (it’s not very good) to write more often. Let me end this by pointing to my twitter, where you’ll find I post way more frequently than here. And it’s quality stuff, for sure.. 😉

See you around!

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15 May

The home stretch

We had our own little “raptor-belly shoot” the other day and quite a few of the photos turned out fine, spite me being the photographer. 🙂

Also spite my horrible posture, bad hair and generally being in the picture.. Bleh.

Marie is gorgeous, though. I love her so much. She’s gonna be a great mum. As for me, it looks like I’ll be a dad-jokes kinda dad. Some would say that’s the best kinda dad, but they’re probably all dads themselves, so I dunno. We’ll see.

I still find it so incredibly hard to grasp the idea that in just a few weeks time, there’s this new little person that’s gonna “pop out” and say hello. Jebus, really. Just a few weeks. AT MOST. It could happen any time now! I should be more terrified than I am, but it hasn’t yet fully dawned on me that I’M GONNA BE A DAD! Aaaaaaaaaaaahhh!

I’m really, REALLY, looking forward to it though. I really can’t wait. 😍

I guess at the speed I’m updating, the next time I’m writing will be after the baby is born. Either way, I’ll see you around!

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10 Jan

An update on the raptor situation

Everyone’s having cute (sometimes silly) little nicknames for their baby-bumps. Ours is Göte. Marie came up with the name as we were walking the streets of Göteborg (get it?) after the embryo was returned.

The above image is from an ultrasound at week 14. The next one is from week 19.

Sure has an adorable little nose. 😍 I seriously can’t wait to get to know this tiny little baby-raptor.

Hold up! It’ll get bigger, they’ll say..

I know..

And feistier, they’ll add..


Maybe if it’s imprinted on us, very early on, it won’t try to eat our faces? Uh, I’m probably not the first parent who had those ideas, huh?

See you around!

ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

18 Oct

Looks like we’re having a raptor

A…. raptor? As in a dinosaur? Eh??-

Well, we’ll get to that, eventually. First, it’s storytime:

When I was in my early teens I imagined myself being a father at the age of 25. Whatever gave me the idea, I’ll never know, and looking back I don’t see how any of those dreams would, or could, have been realized. Not back then.

They were dreams, though, and deep down, family has always meant a lot to me. For me, family means comfort and calm. Despite the quarrels I’ve had with my mother over the years, I think of nothing but warmth when I think of family.

Through my mid-to-late teens I took on a more cynical view on things, most likely sparked by my depression; what twisted mofo would bring a child into this broken world, with wars, hunger, terrorism, you name it… It would be cruel and selfish to force another helpless being into this shit-hole of a world, right?


Fast forward half a life.

I was still very cynical when Marie and I met. The thought of family, outside of what I already had, wasn’t really…a thought at all; the dreams of being a parent, long gone. Spending the time with Marie made me slowly change my mind, though. She thawed my frozen heart. Made me see things in a different light. Made me realize that while there is all kinds of awful things in this world, there are a lot (like A LOT) of awesome things as well.

For instance, love. Love does some crazy stuff to a man. Love might lead to family, come full circle.

Marie and I have wanted to start a family of our own for a while. A pretty long while. Almost exactly three years, to be precise. I suppose we “wanted to start a family” for longer than that, in various degrees, but three years ago is when we decided to really try for it.

Weeks and months went by without results. Half a year, still nothing. One whole year..

When the question arose, in a semi-unrelated visit to the doctor,  if we wanted to have children, we told him our story of how we’d tried for a good long while. Bla bla bla and we’re sent off on a journey for preliminary investigations for IVF.

“I’m gonna have to science the shit out of this.”

– Mark Watney, The Martian (2015)

I just love that quote.

So we turned to science. Along the way it’s discovered that Marie is suffering from endometriosis, the likely culprit behind our struggles. Science will deal with you, you bastard!

Marie has been a real champ through all of this. All the tests and examination, poking and prodding, has put her through a rough time, both physically and mentaly. It is so incredibly unfair how 99.99% of the tests are being performed on her, leaving me standing by her side, looking on; holding on. Somehow, though, she has remained strong.

After surgery upon surgery, and months of medicating – and lots and lots of waiting – finally we’re in the clinic, having eggs retrieved. And again, it’s incredibly unfair, because my one job was to jizz in a test tube.. My job’s more fun than hard. Pun intended.

Out of the two eggs retrieved, only one were fertilised. We had hoped for a bunch more of them, but there you go. After two days of incubation, the fertilised egg – now an embryo – was returned. Roughly three weeks later, Marie is testing positive. I guess the picture gave it away. It’s still some ways to go, but if all goes well, we’re having a baby come summer. It’s one of the scariest, wonderfulest, things ever. EVER.

So there’s my little story. I’m not sure I got everything exactly in order of appearance, because my mind doesn’t always play co-operative, and my memory sometimes escapes me after lunch.. But there we go.

Now to clarify the title; Marie and I often jokingly say (between us) that she is a Triceratops, I’m a T-rex, and if we ever got a kid, it’d be a raptor. That made any sense? Good.

See you around!

ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

23 Aug

Get ready, player one!

This post has nothing to do with the book with the similar name. Probably. I haven’t read it, so maybe it does? For me, this is starting fresh. New blog. New game. First level.

World 1-1

Watch out for that first Goomba, heading your way, they’ll say. You gotta jump to avoid being hit. Yeah. It’s not an unknown journey, this “game of life”; I’ve been at it for a while. But my documenting it has been an uneven endevour; starting, ending and rebooting, time and time again, the many shapes of my [not so] many blogs. This last time it has taken me a good long while, though, to start it back up again after it ended.

Why is that, they’ll ask? What took you so long? We’ve missed you. The web has been such a lonely, lonely hole without your insightful and funny stories about your exciting life.

…Who are “they”? They sound like weirdos, calling the jibbery-bibbery (if that’s even a word?) that I wrote “insightful” and “funny”??..

Just get on with it already. Geez..

I’m in a different place than when I last wrote. Not physically, and perhaps not mentally; but intellectually. Scary stuff, learning things, isn’t it? Especially when the things you learn are about yourself.

See, I’ve always felt a bit different from friends and family, and people in general around me. Never really, really felt like I’m fitting in anywhere. Never really knew my true place in life. (So I just hid in mum’s basement).

After I met Marie, my life changed radically. Well, that’s a bit strong a word, ‘radically’. Honestly, a lot… like, A LOT, is the same as before.. But a lot has also changed, and a lot of that for the better. She has taught me a lot about myself.

Some of the things I’ve learned are scary, though. The reasons for feeling a little weird (and most likely fcking up my education and chance for a better job) seems to be [at least partially] due to ADHD. (Worth noting here is that this isn’t diagnosed proper, but the psychiatrist psychologist I’m seeing is suggesting more and more that this is a strong possibility).

That’s scary as hell. Scary, because it has taken so long — over thirty years — to figure out. Scary, because in hindsight, the signs were so obvious. Scary, because I’ve always viewed myself as “one of the good guys”, when in reality I’ve been (and often are, still) an asshole.

Now hang on, they’ll say. You can be an asshole without having ADHD. Come on, dude! Not cool!

I know. Settle down. I know.

I’ve decided to bring the blog back to life, to cover this journey towards enlightenment. I’ll cover a bunch of other stuff as well; gaming is still a huge part of my life; what it’s like to be married (with ADHD, not as fun!); the silly things our silly cats are up to; etc etc… You get it, same old same old, but with a little more insight into my life. By me, for me, as this is mainly a thing for myself.

You are welcome on the ride. Maybe somewhere along the way it’ll be an interesting read.

ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ