日常生活

I have depression. I never know how to bring this up with anyone. The fact that I don't like talking about myself on that a personal level doesn't help much. It sucks because there are several people I wish knew about it. (Partially because maybe it'd help explain why I'm being a dick some times). Writing this is a start though, I suppose. Baby steps.

I don't remember exactly, but I was 16-17 something when I was diagnosed with depression. (I can't remember if I was even "diagnosed", but I got medication and counseling for it, so probably, yeah?)

I wasn't on the medication for very long, not nearly as long as I probably should have been. Long story short, what happened was that I met a girl in a chatroom. We talked [almost] every day and she made me happy enough to decide to quit the meds (even against the counselors suggestions, hurr durr). Dunno what "damage" that caused, if any, but I was pretty happy for a while there, and that was all that mattered.

Still, it gradually went downhill and today, several years later, I'm back to feeling like shit most every day. Some days are worse than others, naturally. In a way, I've been depressed, on and off, for nearly half my life. That's a great fucking life, right there.

Not that long ago I was reflecting on the meds and how I probably would've had better use for them today than back then. Still, I don't really want to resort to medicine to fix things (even though that may be one of very few options).

Recently, in the last few weeks, I've started to feel a little better. I've been more happy and talkative than I have in several years. Feels kinda great, actually. The reason is, again, because of a girl. A woman, I suppose I should say - I'm getting fucking old..

Having depression is getting fucking old.

Talking to her have been really nice though, and have brought smiles I've rarely seen before (both hers and mine, and hers will melt a frozen heart). I don't know where this road leads, but I'm glad I ended up on it...

..I finally speak, and out comes one stupid joke after another.

I'm not kidding; if you've talked to me, chances are I tried to be funny. I know that I'm not funny, but I don't seem to know when to stop talking..... And then you walk away, thinking wtf is wrong with me. I walk the other way, thinking the same thing.

Socially Awkward Penguin, I am you.

I got the idea for this comic some week back when my back was hurting more than usual.

Yep.

Having a back (and a sore one at that) sucks on so many levels...

Some days I feel a bit like this cactus, but without the random passer-by's...

I'm concidering a slightly more vegetarian diet. I wouldn't (read: couldn't) cut back on meat completely, there's too much taste-sensations at steak there.........no pun intended, much.

In all seriousness though, it would be for health reasons, although the reasons themselves are not huge. At least not yet, I suppose.

It's not all that often, but now and then after I've eaten meat I can feel my intestines cringe, like (mildly) cramping. I'm guessing I'm either not chewing enough or my body's getting worse at digesting meat. Which would be a bit alarming, but probably not all that surprising. But it's not too late to change, right?

And actually, another reason would be that vegetables are fucking tasty.

I don't see myself being picky about animal products as such, eggs and milk for instance. Can't really live without them. Remember this is just to make myself feel better physically. If I have to beat up a cow now and then, so be it.

Day 2 was actually wednesday two weeks ago, but nothing exciting happened (so I didn't bother writing anything). There were no driving, just a day full of theoretic stuff. We did a small test to see how much of the information we had picked up. Most of us did good. We all went home to practice some more though, in preparation for the big final day.

Day 3 (today) was rather awesome. Started out with the usual, casual cup of tea (the others had coffee, branding me 'tea-man') before we did the final test. I dunno if it was the tea that did it, but I got through and managed to score enough points to win myself a certificate. Sweetness, thank you very much!

Yay me! ＼（＾ ＾）／

I hardly slept anything last night. I was really fucking anxious about today. First time in a long while I felt this way. Ugh, I hate it.

As soon as I got to work, all those feelings were gone. Worried sick for nothing. Fuck you, imbecile body.

So, yeah. A while ago someone at work asked if I wanted a forklift certificate. I said yes. I mean who wouldn't, right? All expenses paid and all that shit. Sweet deal. The place i work at isn't all of an asshole. Mostly though, but not all.

The "tutoring" (dunno what it's called exactly) wasn't held at work, but instead five of us had to cram up in a small Golf (I swear, my back's gonna hurt forever) and drive for about an hour. Bleh.

Once there we were greeted with coffee (and for me, tea) before taking the lifts for a spin. We had some good times driving them back and forth, practicing various maneuvers. I did pretty good for my first time driving (to the point where the tutor-guy didn't believe I had never used a lift before in my life, hur hur).

We're heading back tomorrow, but there'll be no driving, only "schoolwork". Technical stuff..

This is good fun, I'm happy I agreed to go. And it'll help me get a better job in the future. :]

Towards the end of July of this year I preordered a book from Amazon with a delivery estimate of today (Dec 4th). The book is Jimi's Workbook of Japanese: A Motivating Method to Learn Japanese - I figured I'd buy a "children's book" to help me with learning Japanese.

Now, the other day I received a mail from Amazon which read "Dear Customer, We're still trying to obtain the following item[s] you ordered [...]"

Wtf? Wasn't the book just due for release, how can you have run out already? And shouldn't I have had a pretty good shot at getting one, as I ordered it quite a while ago?

Sucks a bit, because my Japanese "lessons" have somewhat halted, and I was looking forward to this book being a sort of "kick off" to start studying again. :(

I'm a bit of a sucker when it comes to postponing stuff, regardless if it's a thing I need to do or if it's just something I do for fun. It's like, the minute I start to think of whatever it is I do as a chore, I pull away.

I'm really bad with finishing games, I start playing, and even though I enjoy the games, the further and further I get the more reluctant to playing. It's crazy..

Now, I've decided to put up a goal to finish that don't require all that much effort on my side. I'm gonna grow my hair long enough that I can put it in a proper pony tail. Yeah, I know - that's silly right? :D The thing is, I only need to grow my hair a little little longer (bout 10cm's or so, so not all that little) and I'll be able to put it up in a pony tail. Yay!

After reading up on the subject of hair-growth, that's only another 5ish months to go. Hooray!

I like to read. Books, magazines, comics, you name it (as long as the topic's within interrest). I usually read a few pages before going to sleep, or fall asleep reading (either way).

I don't like laying on my back, because my bed don't allow for half-sitting, so there's no comfort in doing so, resorting to laying on my stomach. Every now and then I've found that when I'm half asleep while reading, and stubborn enough to try and fight it (but losing), I lock my neck and shoulders to keep my head up, close my eyes to doze of for a few, and......unvoluntarily hold my breath. Wtf!?

It's kind of scary, actually. Every time I wake up with a gasp and my eyes go O_O as I draw a deep breath, trying to figure out what the hell just happened.

Is my body perhaps trying to kill me?